Scooby Doo Meets the Phantom of the Opera
by Phantomess of the Opera
Summary: The cast of Scooby Doo is tossed into the roles of Phantom, and poor Erik not only has to deal with that, but with a demented author that likes to make cameos.
1. It begins

OK, OK...I don't own any of the Scooby Doo people. Nor do I own Phantom or anything else I mention in this phic. The only thing I own is lil ol' me. *sigh*  
  
PROLOUGE  
(The Mystery Machine drives up next to the Palais Garnier and Scooby and the gang all climb out.)  
Velma: Jinkies! Why are we stopping here?  
Shaggy: Like, I dunno. That crazy lady at the computer said something about Phantoms. Zoinks!  
Scooby: Rantoms! Roh no! (jumps into Shaggy's arms)  
ME: oh gawd! Don't you guys EVER listen? I've brought you here in an attempt to make a humourous parody. (tosses down some scripts) Here are some overviews of what I want. Now go get into costume and take your places. We're gonna start as soon as I track down Erik.  
Fred: And what if we refuse to be part of your diabolical scheme?  
Me: (blinks) Fred...you used a multisylaboled word! Wow. Anyhow, a small demonstration of my powers. (snaps her fingers and fire rains from the sky for a little bit) So I can count on all of your cooperation right? The sooner we finish this fic, the sooner you may all go back to where you belong.  
Daphnie: I think we should listen to her. She scares me.  
Me: Good. See you all in a little bit. (poofs down to Erik's lair.) Erik!  
Erik: (Emerging from the shower in a towel [don't flame me, you ladies like it and you KNOW it] and looking miffed) What do you want now??  
Me: I found some new playmates for you!  
Erik: This isn't going to be like last time is it? I STILL haven't gotten rid of all the Smurfs! (Smurf runs past and Erik groans)  
Me: No no no....I brought Scooby Doo people to do the story with.  
Erik: You have GOT to be kidding me.  
Me: Aww...c'mon. It'll be fun. Now be a good little Opera Ghost and get dressed.  
Erik: OK, fine. But you owe me, Phantomess.  
Me: All right. One sappy piece with Raoul killing and Christine just for you.  
Erik: Deal. (he grabs his clothes to change....long pause as he waits for the author to leave) Ahem....  
Me: huh?  
Erik: A little privacy?  
Me: Oh yeah....sorry. I should...um...check on the others. (zaps herself out)  
  
AND NOW, THE STORY  
  
Cast:  
Erik-himself  
Daphnie-Christine  
Fred-Raoul  
Velma-Mme. Giry  
Scooby Doo- M. Firman  
Scrappy Doo- M. Andre  
Shaggy- Piangi  
Myustery Machine with the radio left on-Carlotta  
  
(Everyone is rehearsing for the new opera, Hannibal Lector, the Mystery Machine is centre stage cranking out some old rock song, everyone else is standing around doing theatre stuff, except for Scooby and Scrappy who are looking over their new investment)  
Scooby: Wow, Rappy...Ris is really ramazing!  
Scrappy: Yeah, Uncle Scoob...And I got it really cheap. The guy I bought it from was real happy to get rid of it! Said something about a ghost!  
Scooby: Ra Rost!  
Velma: Ah, I see you gentlemen, er dogs, have heard the legend.  
Scrappy: Not really.  
Velma: Jinkies! I should tell you! The Opera Ghost has been here long as anyone can remember. That box up there, Box 5, is his! And he gets 20,000 Scooby Snaks a month as his salary. (rummaging in her dress) Here's a note from him. I found it in your office...thought it might be a clue....  
Scappy: My Uncle Scooby and I don't believe in ghosts! Right Uncle Scoob?  
Scooby: (hiding) no...of rourse rot....  
Shaggy: (entering the scene) Like, sad to return to find the land we, like, love....threatened once more by, like, Rome's, like, far-reaching grasp, like....  
Reyer: No, no, NO! Shaggy, we don't add like after everything!  
Shaggy: Oh, yeah....like, it's just, like....hard for me....(practising) no likes, no likes, no likes....  
Scrappy: Wow! Is that the Mystery Machine! I wonder if we could have a private rendition of one of the arias? Wouldn't that be swell, Uncle Scoob?  
Scooby: Reah...Ronderful....  
(the Mystery Machine revs in agreement and changes the radio station, suddenly *gasp* part of the set falls over and everyone panics)  
Velma: Jinkies! It's the Phantom! And he's pissed!  
Scrappy: He can't do that in my Opera! Lemme at 'im! Lemme at 'im!  
Scooby: (holding Scrappy back) No, Rappy!  
(the Mystery Machine revs angrilly and peels out of the place playing Hit the Road Jack at top volume)  
Shaggy: Like, wait! I have a pizza in there!!! (chasing after the Mystery Machine)  
Scrappy: Aw shoot! Now we don't have a diva to sing the lead  
Velma: We don't have a tenor either....  
Scrappy: No one cares about that.  
Velma: Well...if you need a diva, how about her? (points to Daphnie)  
Scrappy: Can she sing?  
Velma: Not really. But she looks good!  
Scrappy: Sounds good to me! Get her into costume! C'mon Uncle Scoob, let's go see if we can find a bum off the street to replace Shaggy with.  
(After the performance, Fred knocks at the door of Daphnie's dressing room)  
Fred: Hey Daphnie! You looked really hot out there!  
Daphnie: Fred! I remember you! You ran into the sea to fetch my scarf!...Then you kept it....you're wearing it right now....  
Fred: Umm...yeah....Anyhow, do you want to go for dinner?  
Daphnie: Oh no...the little voice in my head said I can't.  
Fred: Ha, yeah, that's cute hon. I'm gonna go call a cab. I'll be right back, be ready to go. (walks out)  
Daphnie: Whatever....  
Erik: (showing up behind the mirror, then turning to the author) No.  
Me: What?  
Erik: I am not going to do this if that shallow creature is my leading lady.  
Me: Aw please? (puppy eyes)  
Erik: Not gonna happen.  
Me: I'll tell everyone about the Halloween party....  
Erik: That's cheating.  
Me: I know (grins)  
Erik: (groaning) All right....(turning back to the dressing room with a shudder) Ok, I'm here, let's go.  
Daphnie: Huh?  
Erik: (Opening the mirror) Will you hurry up?  
Daphnie: Who are you? Nevermind. You're sexy. (steps through the mirror) 


	2. It continues

I don't own these people, (or these Smurfs) so I'm not gonna lie and say I do.  
  
(The lair. A loud splash is heard and then we see Erik pulling up the boat and stepping out briskly.)  
Erik: (Whistling and hopping out of the boat) Ah yes. Much better. (He turns and runs smack into the Phantomess) Wha--? How did you get down here before I did??  
Me: The power of the Q my adorable Opera Ghost. (looking behind him) So....Where's Daphnie?  
Erik: There was a little accident. Hope the girl can swim.  
Me: ERIK!  
Erik: She just FELL IN! Honest! It's not like I PUSHED her or anything!!  
Me: (taps foot impatiently) Go get her and finish the phic or I'm going to let Frederik Forsyth co-write my next one!  
Erik: (shudder) All right! All right! (Erik stomps off grumbling and soon returns with a rather soggy Daphnie) I'm going to bed. See if you can find a nice RAT with BUBONIC PLAUGE to play with....  
Daphnie: It's so GROSS down here? Who decorated this place? EEEEEW! Spiderwebs! Yucky!  
Erik: Look, if I sing you a lullabye will it shut you up?  
Daphnie: Ummmm. OK! (Tries to nuzzle close to Erik)  
Erik: (Shoving her away) Uhhhh. Why don't you just be a good little prissy prep-queen and crawl into bed....  
Daphnie: You're no fun! I thought when a girl got kidnapped a guy would at least TRY something.  
Erik: What are you inferring?  
Daphie: What? I'm not cute? I'm not sexy and desireable! (tries to look sexy and desireable)  
Erik: (shudder) No offense, but you aren't my type.  
Me: (from nowhere) And twitty little blondes are?  
Erik: PHANTOMESS!  
Me: Sorry.....  
Daphnie: hmph! Fred thinks I'm cute!  
Erik: Fred has the I.Q. of Spam. And for the record I did not kidnap you. You came pretty damn willingly.  
Daphnie: So you're not going to try and seduce me just a teensy bit???  
Erik: NO! Now stuff your vanity and sleep.  
Daphnie: You promised me a lullabye.  
Erik: I----ARRRGH! What do I look like? Mary Poppins?! Nevermind. Hmmm...Lullabye.....(To the tune of All Things Bright And Beautiful, credit to Monty Python for the words) "All things dull and ugly all creatures short and squat! All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot!--"  
Daphnie: UGH!  
Erik: So picky.  
Daphnie: So....something nice...  
Erik: I'm gonna be SO glad when this phic is done with! (starts in on random sappy love ballad)  
(The next morning)  
Erik: (at his organ composing) Hmmmm....  
Me: (suddenly appearing) Boo! Good morning, sexy!  
Erik: OUT!  
Me: But why?  
Erik: You and your STUPID ideas! Have you any idea what I've been through?  
Me: Poor unhappy Erik...  
Erik: Don't mock me, Phantomess.  
Me: Aw, try to be a sport. You're always so dreary and depressed. I'm only trying to add a bit of fun.  
Erik: I loathe these humour phics.  
Me: It's for the phans.  
Erik: (grudingly) Oh, very well. I'll finish it and all...but this is under protest.  
Me: Tell ya what, pookie. When the phic is done you can kill those meddling kids, 'kay?  
Erik: You mean it?  
Me: Yeah, who's gonna miss 'em? (grin) I gotta go. I left Ewok alone with some flammable stuff.  
Erik: (blank stare as Phantomess dissapears in a puff of red smoke) Whatever. (goes back to composing)  
Daphnie: (Starting to wake up) Huh? What the--? Man, that was a funkyass dream. Wait a sec....(looks over at Erik, whose back is to her) Hmmm....Now let's see who you REALLY are! (rips off his mask)  
Erik: (Gasping and flailing madly in anger and confusion) Damn! You little bitch! I'm gonna kill--(stops, remembering that he can kill EVERYONE if he waits till the end of the phic) Umm....Sorry....  
Daphnie: Damn. And I thought you might have been M. Lefevre. Guess I'll need more clues. (hands him back his mask)  
Erik: (putting his mask back on and muttering under his breath) What a ditz.  
Daphnie: Hm? What'd you say?  
Erik: Uhhh...I said that we should get back before someone misses you. (grabs her by the arm and hauls her out of his lair)  
(Meanwhile, in the manager's office.)  
Scooby: Reveryrone's leaving! Ris rucks! Roh well. Rat least Ri ret my Rooby Racks!  
Scrappy: This is outrageous! How can we be expected to show any profit when everyone refuses to come to work?  
Scooby: Ralm rown, Rappy. Rere's a rote. (hands Scrappy a note)  
Scrappy: Hmmm..."I hate you all...DIE DIE DIE." I wonder who could have sent it. Hey look Uncle Scoob! There's one for you too!  
Scooby: "Ret rout."  
Scrappy: Wait a minute! These are from the same guy. And he signed his name O.G.. I wonder what that could mean!  
(Just then Fred storms in)  
Fred: I just got this note in the mail. I'm illeterate, so I can't read it, but I don't like it anyhow!  
Scrappy: (taking the note from Fred and reading it) "Your girlfriend is an airhead. Why don't you take her away? Far, far away?" Uncle Scoob! It's from that O.G. again! This is getting suspicious!  
(The Mystery Machine comes rolling in, a note strapped under it's windshield wiper.)  
Scrappy: Hmm...let's see. (takes the note) "What the hell? Is this some kind of a sick joke?" Ouch. We need to do something about this!  
Velma: (showing up out of nowhere) Hey guys! I found another clue! (holds up a note proudly, then notices that they all have notes too) Well shoot!  
Fred: Read it anyway.  
Velma: Ok. It says "To all of you pothead hippies: Get out of my Opera House or you're going to be sorry. And find someone that can actually sing to perform the lead in Il Muto tonight, or else. And stay out of Box 5 too. I don't want you making it all gross." I wonder what he means by that.  
Fred: Well since I'm Daphnie's boyfriend and I'm interested in her career, I think we should give her the crappy non singing part!  
Scrappy: I agree. And we'll let the Mystery Machine have the lead.  
Fred: And I'll sit in Box 5. Sounds comfy.  
Velma: Ummm...are you sure that all of this is a good idea?  
Fred/Scrappy/Scooby: Of course it is! 


	3. It's baack

Lookee! I'm updating!

(The curtain is about to go up on Il Muto the next evening. Fred is standing backstage with Scooby and Scrappy being generally retarded.)

Fred: So I'm gonna go sit in Box 5, and then when the Phantom shows up it'll be all dark, and he probably won't see me. So when he comes in I'll grab him and we'll have this mystery solved!  
Scrappy: That's a great idea! And we'll be in the box right across from you to help keep an eye on things!  
Scooby: Rum on. Ret's ro rit down.  
(the show begins. The Mystery Machine is blaring out Dirty Little Secret while the cheese-tastic plot unfolds)  
Erik: (Finding Fred in his private box has moved to one of his nifty little hidey holes and is trying to figure out just what the hell's going on) Hey! Assholes!  
(Everyone looks around stupidly)  
Shaggy: You mean us?  
Erik: Um, yeah. What the hell is this crap? I thought I told you to get a real singer and to stay the hell away from Box 5. What gives?  
Scrappy: You don't scare us!  
Erik: Oh yeah? Watch this? (a hand reaches up from a trap door onstage behind the Mystery Machine and shoves a potatoe in the exhaust. A Loud bang follows as the Mystery Machine breaks down) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Shaggy: Zoinks! I for one am, like, very scared of you Mr. Opera Ghost!  
Scrappy: Um. Ok. No big deal. We've got a good machanic. You're not going to ruin this show! Put the ballet onstage! NOW!  
Velma: (from backstage) But we're not ready and there's a dead van in the middle of the stage!  
Scrappy: Work around it!  
Velma: Whatever. Just don't blame me when this blows.  
(The ballet comes scooting out and tries really hard to work around the dead van, but it's just not quite doing it)  
Phantomess: (popping up next to Erik) So, how goes it?  
Erik: They don't seem to be able to take a hint. And what is the ballet doing?  
Phantomess: That would be the Monkey.  
Erik: It's atrocious. Time to step it up a notch, I think. (slips away)  
(The ballet continues dance around until a dead Plot Device drops from the rafters)  
Daphnie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!  
Fred: Calm down! I'll be right there! (jumps out of the box instead of being smart and taking the stairs) Ow. That kind of hurt.  
Velma: Jinkies! What do you think this means?  
Shaggy: Like, I think it means we should get the heck, out of here man!  
Scooby: Ri'm with you, Raggy!  
Scrappy: No! Everyone just stay calm. This was probably just some kind of accident.  
Shaggy: Like, whatever you're smoking man, I want a hit.  
Fred: Ok, gang. Let's split up and look for clues. Scooby, you and Shaggy check in the cellars. Velma and Scrappy, you look around in here. Daphnie and I will search the roof and make out.  
Shaggy: Like, why do you always make Scoob and me go the most dangerous place?  
(Everyone splits up)

Fred: So, Daphnie You were gone for a while yesterday. Did you see anything suspicious?  
Daphnie: I saw the Phantom.  
Fred: Really? who is he?  
Daphnie: I don't know. But he has no idea how to properly kidnap a girl!  
Fred: He kidnapped you?  
Erik: I did not! (From behind a statue)  
Daphnie: What was that?  
Fred: Calm down, sweety. There probably isn't even a ghost at all.  
Daphnie: But I saw him!  
Fred: Yeah. But maybe you were mistaken.  
Daphnie: Aw, Fred. You always know what to say to make me feel better! (they kiss and hug) Come on, let's go find the others. (they run off)  
Erik: (Emerging from behind the statue) I think I'm going to hurl. Screw this. I don't care about the deal anymore. Bitch gotta go! AHAHAHAHAHA!  
(Everyone has returned to the stage to compare notes. Erik grins and lets the chandelier drop toward the stage. Unfortunately everyone was faster than they looked and it didn't hit anyone.) Dammit!

(Intermission)

(Several weeks later. The Mystery Machine's been fixed and Erik has spent the entire time skulking in his lair at his inability to smash everyone earlier. In his absence Scooby and the gang have decided that the ghost is gone for good and they need to have a party to celebrate)  
Velma: This party was a great idea Scrappy. Shaggy: Like, yeah! Especially catering it! (Shaggy and Scooby work at decimating the munchie table)  
Daphnie: (Hanging off of Fred's arm) I love you!  
Fred: I love you more!  
Daphnie: No, I love you more Fred: Nuh-uh. I love you more. (et al ad nauseum)  
Scooby: Ri'm ro rad rat rost is rone!  
(The Mystery Machine revs and squeels it's tires in agreement)  
Erik: (appearing in a resplendant Red Death costume) Hello, losers! (looking around and realizing this isn't a Masquerade) Phantomess!  
Phantomess: What?  
Erik: You told me this was going to be fancy dress.  
Phantomess: My bad. But damn do you look good! (grin)  
Erik: I should hurt you. (turning back to the others) What the hell are you staring at? I want you all to leave. Is that simple enough for your pea brains? LEAVE! Go, scram, beat it, get the hell out! (Blank stares from everyone) Hello?  
Velma: So...what are you saying exactly?  
Erik: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! (dissapears in a nifty puff of red smoke)  
Phantomess: Drama queen!  
Erik: (From apparently no where) Will you shut up!  
Velma: Hey look! He dropped something!  
Shaggy: (Picking up a manuscript that apparently fell out of Erik's cloak) Like, it looks like a script.  
Scrappy: Lemme see! (snatches it) Hm. You know this is pretty good. We should do this!  
Scooby: Reah. Raybe Rat'll rake rim rappy.  
Phantomess: (looking at Scooby, then the others) How the fuck do you understand this mutt?  
Fred: Why are you here?  
Phantomess: Just watching. This is fun. (Grins and grabs a scotch on the rocks from the bar) Continue.  
Daphnie: I still say she's scary.  
Scrappy: So we're doing this right?  
Shaggy: Like, sounds good to me. Maybe Scoob's right and it'll make the ghost, like, happy and he won't hurt me.  
Scrappy: Ok then everyone! Rehearsal time!  
Daphnie: Ooh! I wanna be the lead!  
Scappy: Ok.  
Phantomess: (Looking at her half empty glass.) I think I'm going to need more booze. (Daphnie glares at her) 


	4. Notes the second

I swear I'll actually finish this...someday. But for now here's a step closer to the end! Still own nothing, blah blah.

(A hallway backstage somewhere. If you've never seen the stage version or a bootleg of it, I'd skip this if I were you)

Fred: Hey! Scary lady!

Phantomess: Y'know I have a name.

Fred: Um, er...

Phantomess: (Sigh) What exactly is it you want?

Fred: You know stuff. You know...about things.

Phantomess: Wait...shouldn't you be doing this with Mme Giry?

Fred: Who?

Phantomess: Velma.

Fred: No, why?

Phantomess: Look, let's just forget about semi-proper scene progression and move on, shall we? I suppose if Lord Andy can screw with the flow as much as he did, leaving out a bit that didn't even make the OLC is allowed, right?

Fred: (Blinks) I am completely lost...

Phantomess: Glad we had this chat.

(The manager's office)

Scrappy: (Staring at the manuscript) I sure hope this'll make the Phantom go away. It's going to be a real pain to stage.

Scooby: Ras rong ras no more randarears fall ron me.

Scrappy: And all these pushy notes. "What do you think you're doing? Give that back. I only have the one hard copy."

Scooby: "Rand whatever rou do, don't ret rat van rin it."

(the Mystery Machine rolls in, revving angrilly with a tow ticket on it's windshield)

Shaggy: (following it in) Like, we didn't get a note. Just, like, a parking ticket.

Fred: (storming in) I demand to know the meaning of this!!!

Velma: (turning up from nowhere in particular) You mean you want us to read it to you?

Fred: Yes!!!

Velma: Well I have one too. I'll read them both. (takes Fred's letter) "Why can't you people just leave me in peace??"

Daphnie: (Also wandering in) Why are you guys all crammed in here?

Scrappy: We were just about to call you. There's a huge female part in this thing. We think it's written for you.

(Somewhere Erik develops a nervous twitch)

Daphnie: Oh, I don't know...

Velma: Ahem. I still have my note. (Everyone turns their attention to her expectantly) "Hello pothead hippies. So I can't scare you out of this idiocy? Fine. Your funeral. The van has to go. If I see it anywhere NEAR the stage again I'm going to dismantle it and turn it into junk sculpture. And the stoner needs to lay off the weed if you insist on this madness. Don Juan doesn't need the munchies. And the dogs must learn that their place is in a kennel not the arts. As for the redheaded ditz. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU IN THE LEAST! GOT IT?!?!??!?!"

Fred: Oh my God he's got a thing for Daphnie!

Daphnie: Well of course. I'm the hottest thing ever.

Fred: So...if she sings...he'll show up to try and kidnap her again...and then we can catch him!

Scooby: Rat's rilliant!

Scrappy: Good plan!

Velma: Uhmmm...

Daphnie: Wait. I'm BAIT? Screw that! I'm not doing it. (runs off)

Fred: (shaking fist dramatically) My plan's foolproof. Now we'll see who's smart Mr. Ghosty!

(Somewhere Erik's nervous twitch reappears)

(In the lair)

Erik: (Smirking smugly behind his mask) Now you've done it, haven't you, Phantomess? Written yourself into a corner, haven't you?

Phantomess: (Staring blankly at her computer screen) I don't know what you're talking about, Erik.

Erik: Oh come off it. Daphnie doesn't have a dead father, I'm not getting into any kind of fight over her, and even if you skipped that--which I know you won't, Miss obsessive compulsive--I'm sure as hell not snatching her and taking her anywhere.

Phantomess: (Looking over her shoulder with an absolutely malicious grin) Oh no? That's what you think.

(And once again Erik realizes that the one thing he needs fear most is a phan with an overactive imagination and a word processor. To Be Continued) 


	5. Vincent Price memorial

I don't own any of these people/characters/etc. That is, of course, except for me. I'm pretty sure I still own me. Vincent Van Ghoul is from 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo. If you don't remember that show you're too damn young, but I wouldn't worry too much about it because he's dead in this phic. Sadness. I love you Vincent Price! tears

(A rehearsal for Don Juan)

Chorus: (singing in a rather atonal cacophany) Smut! Dirty whore! Innuendooooooooo!

Daphnie: Motel Six and behind the dumpster! Both have been his scoring field...

Shaggy: Those who, like, tangle with, like, Don Juan.

Reyer: NO! No no no no no no.

Shaggy: Like what?

Reyer: I won't even begin to go over what is wrong with everything about you even attempting to sing! Last month during Hannibal was bad enough, but this...this...(proceeds to go on a very long tirade about how badly the company's gone to hell with all these bleeding new people popping up)

(The Mystery Machine, in spite of all warnings, is sitting in at rehearsal. It had been assigned a bit part after it was discovered that there weren't enough main characters to pass around the parts with names. It threatens to run over Reyer as it rather likes Shaggy since he puts the gas in.)

Velma: Should we have really brought the van? The letter was really specific about...

(Mystery Machine vrooms in a warning manner at Velma)

Velma: Shutting up.

(Everyone starts gossiping about the Ghost, the score, the Ghost's score, scoring with the Ghost [whoops. no, that's what I'm thinking about. sorry and such. In the midst of this uproar of noise the piano begins playing the accompanyment by itself. The chorus begins again, only this time not sucking.)

(Daphnie steps away from the other performers, seemingly lost in thought. The scene shifts to a graveyard and she stands before a large tomb marked Van Ghoul.)

Daphnie: You taught me so much about ghost hunting, and all that occultist junk. Oh, how I wish you were here now so that you could tell me what I should do about this Opera Ghost, who's scary and evil, but kinda hot too. I mean, if you ignore the mask and all. He's got a pretty nice body. Oh well. You're dead anyhow, so I guess you're not much help. Thanks for nothing.

(Meanwhile behind the ginormous cross...)

Erik: I can't believe you did this...

Phantomess: You mean hauling out a second rate character from a third rate tv show, just to shove the plot in the right direction?

Erik: More that you actually watched the show in question and remembered the character's name.

Phantomess: He was voiced by Vincent Price and is therefore awesome.

Erik: So I'm not off the hook in the least, am I?

Phantomess: Nope.

Erik: And nothing I do or say will stop this horror?

Phantomess: Weeellll...maybe if you were to distract me sufficiently. (leer)

Erik: Uhm...magic tricks?

Phantomess: (Frowns) Y'know, for a guy who doesn't get laid much you have a really clean mind. (mutters) Just my luck.

Erik: What?

Phantomess: Nevermind. You're on. Go get her, Tiger! (Shoving Erik a little harder than absolutely neccessary from behind the statue)

Erik: She is SO dead.

Daphnie: (Turning) Oh! It's you! Yay! Er, I mean...What do you want, creep?

Erik: (Looking blank. Then he feels Phantomess jab him from behind with a rather pointy stick) Ow! (Grumble, cursing under breath) Wanderingchildsolostsohelplessyearningformyguidence...

Daphnie: What was that?

Erik: Can we just get this over with already? Where's Fred.

Fred: (Leaping from behind a headstone) Aha! Didn't expect me, did you, Phantom?!

Daphnie: Fred! (Runs to him)

Erik: (Throwing fireballs at the two of them, but they're slightly out of range) Come on, just a leetle closer. C'mon.

Fred: I'll protect you Daphnie! You stay away from her, you masked fiend!

Daphnie: Let's just go! (The two of them run off, now completely out of range)

Erik: Grrrr! So be it, now let it be war upon EVERYONE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

Phantomess: Might have been a little over the top at the end there, hon.

Erik: Shut up, Phantomess. 


	6. I Finished the Stupid Thing!

Yeah yeah, I haven't posted in forever. I'ma try to finish this up in this chappie. STILL don't own anyone. And, uh, yeah. Sorry 'bout the ending. Maybe I'll fix it later and make it suck less. Or at least funnier.

(So now we have opening night of Don Juan. The Chorus gave up actually learning the music a while back and are now just kind of warbling whatever they feel like. The result is an atonal clusterfuck the likes of which has never been heard. And then there was Shaggy....)

Shaggy/Don Juan: So, ok, like. This plan is totally foolproof, Passarino! What was it again?

Passarino: *sigh* I'm going to pretend to be you, so you can get laid. Although I'm still kinda fuzzy on exactly how that's going to help anything.

Shaggy/Don Juan: Like, how about we both just get really high and you go out and get some munchies? Like, Here's my hat and coat. Don't, like, forget the Cheetos!

Passarino: Anything to get the hell out of here. (takes the proffered coat and hat)

Daphnie/Aminta: (offstage) I met this guy on craigslist. I hope he's not a psycho!

Shaggy/Don Juan: Zoinks! Like, I totally need to grab my Pink Floyd albums out of my room! (ducks into a curtained off area of the stage. There is a loud thump and a snarled "Now THAT'S the way to get stoned!")

Passarino: Uhm....You ok?

?/Don Juan: (from behind the curtain) Yes! Fine! Beat it!

Passarino: Don't have to tell me twice! (beats it the hell out of there)

Daphnie/Aminta: (entering from off-stage. Seeing no one she pulls a Goldilocks, plops herself down at the table and helps herself to some food.)

?/Don Juan: (emerging from behind the curtains, and definately not Shaggy to anyone with half a brain. Therefore, Daphnie doesn't notice anything's wrong) ..... (Shudders a little bit, and glances into the wings) Can't we please please PLEASE skip this?

Phantomess: (off-stage) Give me one good reason why I should let you skimp out.

?/Don Juan: ...(pauses, contemplates) Because you're not really THAT evil?

Phantomess: Hahaha. That's cute you think that. It's almost over, and if I don't finish this out YOU have to explain to the readers why you, the Big Bad Phantom, wussed out on the last leg of the story.

?/Don Juan: Bitch.

Phantomess: Flattery gets you no where. Now do the scene or I will play High School Musical at top volume for the next week! And I'm the only one who knows where the earplugs are hidden.

?/Don Juan: (Sigh) I really need to re-evaluate the people I hang out with. (turns his attention to Daphnie. In a flat Ben Stein-like tone) Hello sweet thing. How's about you and me drop some acid and watch my lava lamp? (Glancing offstage) I did NOT write this.

Phantomess: (Grins and holds up Erik's copy of Don Juan) You didn't REALLY think I'd let any of them TOUCH this did you? I did the pickpocket thing you taught me after the party. It's a real bitch to pull off drunk, too.

?/Don Juan: (Opens and closes mouth a few times, dumbstruck) You mean to tell me that I've spent the last few days having an absolute meltdown because I thought these peons had my masterpiece?!

Phantomess: Serves you right!

?/Don Juan: What the fuck did I do to you?!

Phantomess: (Mimicks holding a phone to her ear) 'Oh Christine? Why sure! I'd just looooove to waste my precious time and help you pick out some godawful frilly dress and give you some more music lessons for which I'll be thanked by not getting called again for three goddamned months while you cavort with your little playboy. No, of COURSE I didn't have plans! The fact that I was supposed to be going to Otakon with Phantomess means nothing!' Jerk.

Daphnie: Um, hey! I'm supposed to be the star here! Now what was my line?

?/Don Juan: (Ignoring Daphnie) So I was just supposed to stand her up?

Phantomess: Um, yeah! She broke your heart in three places, Erik!

Daphnie: Erik? As in hot Phantom Erik? (Pulls off his hood, revealing mask)

Erik: Why do only the psychotic females find me attractive?

Daphnie: Maybe it's because you look like a really ugly Jack Skellington? (yoinks his mask off. Bad move.)

Erik: (Snaps) Oh that is SO it! (Grabs Daphnie and vanishes in huge puff of black smoke)

Fred: What just happened?

(Scooby and Scrappy rush onto the stage where Scrappy discovers Shaggy's dead.)

Scrappy: He killed Shaggy! He actually honestly killed Shaggy!

Scooby: (Going into total hysterics) Raggy! Roooooooooo! Rhy?!!!!

Fred: Velma! You're smart! Where did he take Daphnie?

Velma: Wellll....I think there was a trap door involved so down would be a good direction to start. (Considers) Or we could just follow her! (Points at Phantomess who was trying to slip out during the confusion to enjoy the show in Erik's lair)

Fred: Works for me.

(And so they follow the Phantomess, who is smart enough to have her hand at the level of her eyes. Velma isn't completely retarded so she takes a cue even if she doesn't know exactly what the hand thing is about. Fred, however, is oblivious as usual)

(Meanwhile)

Erik: (Ranting) Just because I'm a little different does that mean that only freaks and nutjobs should follow me around? I mean, really! All I want is to just be plain and normal. But no. Not Erik! Erik gets his life made into a God damned Broadway musical that runs for 20 years! Erik gets played by some prettyboy who has the talent of a moose trying to perform Wagner, and then all these 13 year olds crop up and think Erik will be into them because Christine was 8 when moose boy started stalking her! And now there's going to be a sequel! A sequel! I ask you; what did I do to deserve this?!

(Velma and Fred have at this point lost the Phantomess, because she's taken the short cut in the 3rd cellar. But they figure that they're probably still heading in the right direction and continue down until they hit the lake. Seeing nothing else promising Velma makes a guess)

Velma: I'd try crossing the lake.

Fred: Ok. (Leaps in)

Velma: There's a boat over there. (Points at boat)

Fred: No time! And besides I look really hot when I'm soaking wet!

Velma: ....k. I'm going back upstairs. (Leaves)

(Back in the lair)

Daphnie: So are you going to try something this time?

Erik: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Daphnie: That's how this is supposed to work. I'm all damsel-y and stuff. And you're the hot scary villian person.

Erik: I think I'm going to kill you now.

(Fred pops up out of the lake)

Erik: Oh good. I was afraid I'd have to hunt you all down. So nice to know you're stupid enough to come straight to me.

Fred: Let Daphnie go!

Erik: No, I don't think so. But why don't you come on in anyhow. (Raises portcullis)

Fred: Ok! (Rushes in and tries really hard to look heroic)

Erik: (Grabbing the punjab lasso and putting it to good use. A little too good. Fred drops dead on the floor) That felt so good. Let's try for two, shall we? (Glares daggers at Daphnie while untangling the rope from Fred's neck)

Phantomess: (Again, appearing seemingly from no where in particular) What are you doing?!

Erik: You said I could kill them.

Phantomess: Uh, yeah. When it's OVER! There's one more scene to go Erik!

Erik: I've never been fond of the finale.

Phantomess: But the phans expect--

Erik: To HELL with the phans! (Absent mindedly snaps Daphnie's neck when she tries to bolt) It's always the phans. And you! With your stupid meddling and ridiculous situations! You're worse than the daroga.

Phantomess: Well....what is it that you want? If it's not me it's someone else.

Erik: I know, I know. I just.... This isn't normal.

Phantomess: Psht. Normal's overrated.

Erik: I'd like to try it just once.

Phantomess: You'd only end up getting sick of her anyhow... She's not smart enough to keep up with you. Hell, I'M not smart enough to keep up with you half the time.

Erik: I still love her.

Phantomess: I know. And I love you. Whether you like it or not.

Erik: Can I go kill the dogs now?

Phantomess: Yeah. And the back of the van's already loaded up with C4.

Erik: I don't want to know how you got that, do I?

Phantomess: You sure don't.

Erik: Can the next thing you write be slightly more sane?

Phantomess: And ruin a perfect streak?

Erik: Your phic went to hell.

Phantomess: Yeah, well. I haven't updated in forever. Maybe no one will notice.

(And Erik killed the entire cast of Scooby Doo)  
FIN er something....


End file.
